Change is for Wet Babies

Once I lived here...and I loved it.


Then I lived here--we lived here.
And we loved it.
Well, not the weather.


And then we lived here.
And we loved it.
And, for the first time, we were sad to leave a place.


Now we live here.
And we like it. Well enough.
But now, change.
Unplanned change.
Unwanted change.
Uncertain change.

And again, we don't want to leave. Yet.

For a person that doesn't crave adventure, who resists change, who sometimes has this sneaking suspicion that life could be a lot more exciting, but then cuddles up on the couch with a bowl of popcorn, her family, and a movie...I've been so surprised at how much I've loved living overseas. Part of the realization is that I could have everything I just mentioned in another country. I've had wonderful, hilarious, irritating, unforgettable, dangerous experiences--and I've had the family things I love as well.

The changes that I've experienced have been planned. I got to decide. I got to choose. I like a plan and I like to stick to that plan. And a lot of the time I actually can be flexible, but not about my larger life. I don't need someone or something mucking up my decisions. And that does include God, because, you know, HE might have other ideas...frightening, uncertain, possibly difficult ideas.

So realizing that we are likely going to have to move at a decidedly incovenient time (with an 11th grade son) and the fact that we will be jobless before we are...rejobbed...? is decidedly stressful. So many of my sentences start with, "I want...." or "If only..." when living overseas and life in general should have kicked all of that out of me. When I can recite at least 25 Bible verses by heart about my plans and God's plans. When what I want is really not for me, but for my family, so I'm being altruistic. When I KNOW that we are resilient and we are a strong family, but I STILL want what I want because what I want really isn't such a big deal to anyone else but me.

And yet, the times, they do change. Do I cling to possibilities here and risk disappointment, or fully jump into what lies ahead, doing so without feeling the assurances that faith is supposed to bring? Because I simply can't have the one more year that I want. And I can't see what's going to happen. And I don't like it at all. So I pray for "help." Some vague nebulous assistance for me, and our family, and our situation, for peace, or trust...because it seems to be all that I can do.

Get Sauced!

Why, you ask, would someone assemble all of these ingredients to make a batch of what is already in the fridge and what you know is going to taste perfectly fine?

When your son turns to you and says, "Hey, we should make our own barbecue sauce and we could make it taste like Famous Dave's!" well, what can you do? Seriously, what can you do, because I'm not all that into cooking and if there's a way to divert his attention, maybe with something shiny, I'd like to know about it!


Three recipes--one spicy, one with a beer base, one with a Carolina-style vinegar approach. All start with some yellow onions, garlic, paprika, and chili powder.

It's important to carefully measure. It's also important to know the difference between a tablespoon and a teaspon, becuase they are NOT interchangeable.

I can't show you the rest of the carnage--thank goodness I have an ayi! No seriously, I cleaned it up...we don't do that to poor Xiao! The smell of the cayenne and onions had our eyes watering way out to the living room.

On the left, beer sauce, on the right, the vinegar sauce. In the middle, the "spicy space." I thought we should have a catchy name like "Hell's on Fire" but thanks to creative (mis)spelling, we now have our famous "Spicy Space" sauce.

I made shredded pork (a pork tenderloin, beer and chicken broth, and then dump in a bunch of onion, garlic, and peppers or whatever might make it taste good and let it slow cook for 5-6 hours). Everyone decided to dip before piling it on the sandwich.

Smiles, or a grimace before grabbing that water to cool off the spicy sauce? Either way, he looks pretty satisfied. We all were, too. Three sauces, and each one was someone's favorite. The best overall in terms of texture and flavor was the spicy one--I'd definitely make it again, but tone it down for normal folks!

This is my delightful and quite unpredictable child. You need to CARPE DIEM whenever the opportunity arises with him. You know those emotional bank accounts or gas tanks the experts always talk about? We need to pay way ahead whenever we can, because the withdrawals can be heavy. My feelings about cooking and my love for easy-peasy aside, we had a GREAT afternoon together, my boy and I.

So You Were Saying You Want More China?

Photo by Weda Bory

Here it is...a colleague captured this lovely and not atypical moment. On the brand-new subway line that just opened last spring. So maybe you want to bring your Wellies if you come to visit. Just in case.

Look at that Face!

Look at that sweet face. Can you pretend along with me that this is an artsy shot and not what it really is--one of the worst pictures I may have ever taken in terms of quality? I SWORE there would be NO PUPPIES in my house, but Mark clearly was carrying residual guilt over his part in Peter's disappearance last spring, and he was the one who tipped the scales. I think I can still say NO PUPPIES because this is not a natural puppy...he doesn't chew on the shoes we leave out, he doesn't have accidents in the house, he doesn't gnaw on the furniture...seriously, it's unnatural. I think he's going to be a great addition to the family--he's already added so much life and spunk to the mix!

I've been very "eh" on the blog. I really like doing it, but I understand what serious bloggers say about needing a focus. Should it be family? China? Living abroad? We live in such a bubble that with work and all, I don't feel like I get out and about enough to make it interesting. I'm going to make a bigger commitment again this year, so we'll see. Most people make New Year's resolutions; teachers make back-to-school resolutions. Stay tuned!

A Legacy

I had intended to post a long time ago about my father -in-law's funeral: how over 500 people attended, how every. single. person that spoke of him said the same thing, that he had changed their lives, that he always listened, that he always loved. That he was genuine and authentic. That he loved his Lord, loved his wife, and loved his children and there wasn't much more he needed. I've been a part of the Hillman family since I was 16 years old, but most of my life has been spent away from my in-laws. When I look at Mark as a man, as a husband, and as a father, I see Russ's legacy--not only in Mark, but in his siblings' lives as well. They are people that follow the Lord faithfully, that have no pretentions, and put their families first. I have spent a lot of time thinking about where I put my time and energy, how much time I spend trying to make an impression on others, and what exactly is my focus in life. I imagine we all spend some time in our lives wondering what our "legacy" will be. I don't know if Russ ever thought about that, but his memory is living on in the lives he touched throughout his life and ministry.

Mark's dad, however, could NOT throw anything away. EVER. It might have been something he felt attached to for sentimental reasons, or something that might come in handy some day, or maybe it seemed just wasteful to toss something you didn't really need, but no one else seemed to need it, either. The end result was a double garage that was stuffed full of...stuff. Bowling trophies from his army days. His Boy Scout uniforms. Annual planners. Copies of programs, bulletins, and handouts from events. Things from desk drawers. Scrapbooks of cards. It was all neatly stacked and neatly labeled, but...at end of several days of sorting and tossing, we still didn't have a clear idea of why it all got saved. What we did realize was that what we have taken away from Russ's life are the memories and stories of a father and grandfather. Those can be stored in your heart and that never seems to run out of room!

Living overseas, we have very little compared to most of our friends. Our home doesn't have great storage, plus the shopping opportunities (think Target) are limited. I buy approximately 300 pounds of stuff per year--I know this because I haul it all back from the States every summer. That's it--a massive Target run and clothes for the year. Twice a year I round up whatever we aren't using and whatever doesn't fit and off it goes to the charity store. Even then, I can't believe how things do pile up (especially in places where our housekeeper tucks things when she doesn't know where to put them and we find the stashes). Sometimes I wonder what we'll have to pass down to the kids...our have a storage locker here in the States (our goal is to get rid of everything in it next summer except photos, the Thomas set, and a couple other items from the kids' childhood) but then I realize that most of whatever we have is enough. A small box of trinkets from each kid's childhood. Enough.

Too much stuff is too much stuff--literally and figuratively. Look at your house and garage. What do you have that you REALLY need? How much do you keep because you might need it someday or it was a good deal or....fill in the blank. Wouldn't life be lighter, feel cleaner, if you had less of what is all around your house?

We'll return to China with another 500 pounds of stuff, and I suppose there's some of it that we really don't need, but I did say NO to a LOT of stuff the kids said they really NEEDED. Being blessed with the ability to have so much doesn't mean we really need to have...so much!

Russ Hillman--A Life Well Lived.

Mark's father passed away last week. He had been recently diagnosed with cancer and had just started chemotherapy. His death was quite sudden. We have been incredibly blessed with opportunity to be with our family in the States this weekend as we say goodbye to a wonderful father, husband, and servant of God. More later, but his obituary is here:

New Tacoma Cemeteries & Funeral Home: Obituaries

What Can You Say About Your Pets

There was Smoky, Super, Juneau, Buck, and Sue. And Caddie and Gretel. And Peter. We grew up in the woods and by a busy highway. We learned to love our dogs and cats hard, but lightly--trucks, owls, coyotes lurked just at the edges of life. I remember sobbing over breakfast at the loss of a dog and asking for a puppy by lunch. Was my mother as horrified as I was when my children did the same thing?

Peter was different. Perpetually friendly, eternally cheerful, he surfed his way across our laps every night. If we were gone during TV time in the evenings he let us know we had let him down. He was a dog that really could smile. Everyone who met him commented on how friendly, how sunny, how happy he was. And so were we. Pets bring something indefinable into our lives--the hole they leave when they're gone is unexpectedly enormous.

Peter's been gone for 14 days now. We've resigned ourselves to understanding that he's not coming home. Where he is...if he's safe...I guess we aren't going to know. I pray that someone found a wonderful sweet lonely dog who had lost his way and his collar and brought him in. I pray that he has a cushion and clean water and good food and a new family that loves the stuffing out of him, the way we do. I pray that the next best family to us found the best little dog we'll ever have. But this one...I think Peter might be impossible to get over.

Anything Goes

In olden days a glimpse of stocking, Was looked on as something shocking,

But now, God knows,

Anything Goes.

You're the Nile, You're the Tower of Pisa,

You're the smile on the Mona Lisa;

I'm a worthless check, a total wreck, a flop,

But if baby, I'm the bottom, You're the top!

Blow, Gabriel blow, Go on an' blow, Gabriel blow,

I want to join your happy band,

And play all day in the promised land

So blow, Gabriel blow.

Come on you scamps, get up you sinners,

You're all too full of expensive dinners,

Stand up on your lazy feet and sing!

Cameron did a great job--and with our new improved mikes, we could hear him sing on the group numbers and he can sing! The Chinese converts were especially hilarious and would have probably been PC-ed up back home. Cameron's friend (the one one the right) had to work on his fake Chinese accent. HA.

And to all of you who wondered how he learned to be such a convincing drunk...it's called acting. So THERE. I love American musicals and this is one I haven't seen (or thought about) for forever! It was all good.

I've Taken a Big Swig of THIS..

I am in a serious funk, so I've been ignoring the blog. I've lost the focus, and I'm feeling very uninteresting at this point in my life. I'm completely NOT enamored with China and I feel ordinary--ordinary in a way that makes it hard for me to think about what to write about. I feel like I've been nipping from the bottle.

I am seriously over China. I'm hiking here...

Instead of hiking here...

Seriously, 1 billion people is a LOT of people. And they are every. single. place. you go. I love a certain hustle and bustle...Christmas shopping. Disneyland. But I feel like you can just never get away from anything here. People who throw trash, who poop and pee and spit all over. ICK. There's just too many people.

Instead of looking at this...

Or this... I get to look at this...

I have moments where I wonder how I'll react when one of my kids announces they have some strange lung disease from breathing the putrid air.

I don't have a home. Or family nearby. My friend in Bangladesh had a tough parenting week and asked me "are we doing the right thing?" and I answered with a resounding "YES". But the life we've chosen means we are cognizant of what we've left behind. We know we made a choice, which means we may have chosen wrong. If we had stayed at home having our parenting fails on familiar turf, we wouldn't be aware of what that "other" really is. It's not something we imagine--it's a real life with real people. And we miss that.

I'm so lucky to be a teacher. I spend my day with fantastic kids at an outstanding school supported by incredible colleagues. I am blessed to be able to do something I love to do, instead of something I have to do. But right now I just don't want to be a working person.

And I worry. I worry far too much. It passes the time, but accomplishes nothing. It eats away at me, and not one single thing is better because I've worried about it. Here's a sampling of the playlist...

*I'm not satisfied with my church and if I'm just lazy because I won't drive into the city to see if there's a better one.

*How I'm going to pay for the college I know Cameron's going to choose. Actually, it won't matter what he chooses--in-state tuition doesn't exist for us anymore.

*Where we're going to live this summer. And next summer. And the summer after that.

*Why I lack discipline. I fall asleep while praying all the time. I canNOT exercise. I cram my Bible study in Monday and Tuesday nights instead of working a bit each night. I excel at watching American Idol and Glee, though. And Red Vines.

*What will happen with Noah--are we doing too much? Should we be letting him fail more? Are we doing it wrong with the best of intentions?

*What in the world are we gong to do after Beijing? Because I canNOT be staying here much longer.

And now it's time to stop. Because I'm ungrateful and whiny. And I can go on to list all the amazing things in my life right now because there are so very many and I suppose if I had any discipline or the right sort of outlook, I'd be listing those instead of these. But it's where I'm at this week or month. I'll do a list of all the great things about my life soon. Probably soon. Soonish.

What We've Been Up To...

I think this might have been the longest I've neglected the blog. There are so many reasons why...that will come later. But the truth is, we are a busy family, like so many others. A quick run-down...

Three band/orchestra concerts. None of my kids sit in a place where I can get a picture of them actually playing, though...All the concerts take place in the same week, all of them involve kids from 6th grade through 12th grade (and, for the orchestra, groups that start in 3rd grade) so it's a tiring week. Watching the beginners play, and ending with the high school groups really shows how much progress kids make each year!

The truth is...we are not a singing family. Oh, we sing around the house...we just don't sing well. Ava especially seems to like singing and has really loved being in choir. Funny the worst singers (me) are the ones that sing all the time--the better singer (Ava) rarely sings in front of anyone on her own!

One act plays. The one-act festival is fantastic. Students write their own plays or direct already published works. Students are responsible for recruiting, auditioning, and directing the play. Some of them include original music (score and lyrics) as well. Cameron was in three plays this year and is considering directing one next year.

Noah always surprises us. On a whim (actually I think it was because of the coach, who is completely cool) he decided to play volleyball. He did a great job learning a new sport and had a great time. He's moved on to contact rugby, one of just a few 6th graders on the team--again, fantastic coaches--seriously, they are worth their weight in gold in terms of building a kid's confidence and inspiring a sense of fun!

What little girl doesn't go through a love affair with horses? It must be an especially painful thorn in Ava's side that I actually did own my own horses and I could step out my back door any day of the week and just ride (and I did!). Ava has read every book, watched every movie, collected every statue--really, the child needed the chance to ride. Am I jealous? You bet--I always wanted to take lessons and ride in the Olympics. Maybe it's Ava's chance...

Spring Break

I'm feeling guilty because I found decent tickets to Vietnam and decided we should go there for spring break in March. Guilty because it would be a vacation we really can't afford and if I'm going to spend the money for even decent tickets we should stay more than 3-4 days to get our money's worth. Guilty because I think we may live in China for a number of years and never get out of the Jing. Then I found great tickets to the following places:

Lijiang. It's 800 years old, and UNESCO site, I believe. So cute, a minority village, albeit touristy, so I'll lots of things to look at and lug back to the Jing with me. It looks adorable, and the weather would be warm-ish.


Tibet. It's far away and the best time to visit is probably not when the average temperatures are around 30 degrees. We'll have to up the quality of the hotel so we have decent heat. We'll have to fly straight into Lhasa...and may have some issues with altitude sickness since we'll be at 15,000 feet without the adjustment we'd get on the train. On the upside, well, it's TIBET. Hello.

Guilin...home of those iconic karst mountains. A trip down the river, then over to a nearby area to a place called the Dragon's Backbone, rice terraces so steep and sharp and green that fall away forever below your feet. Sigh. Not sure about the shopping, though.

What do you think?

Final Scenes from Cambodia

A floating village on the Tonle Sap (or maybe Mekong) River in Phnom Penh.

The Royal Palace--obviously Cambodian, but with lots of French-inspired touches as well.

It can be difficult to eat where most of the restaurants have tables right out on the street--so many children and disabled people begging. This little girl waited very quietly and patiently...probably because she was watching a Disney movie on the TV inside the bar.

Phnom Penh, near our hotel and the central market.

A coffin shop next to a favorite Thai restaurant in Phnom Penh.

Pedicab driver taking a snooze in Phnom Penh.

Every Buddhist boy is expected to serve a stint as a monk at some point in their lives. Monks are not allowed to work, so anything they need comes from donations. People give food and money as a way to ensure good karma or blessings, so early mornings all the monks go up and down streets, giving blessings and accepting gifts.

Typical fruit stand in the Siem Reap market area...bananas, lychees, mangos, guavas, dragonfruit, mandarins, mangosteens...

The food court at the night market in Phnom Penh. Grab something from a stall, and pull up a mat.

A moment with Noah--not in motion.