I've Taken a Big Swig of THIS..

I am in a serious funk, so I've been ignoring the blog. I've lost the focus, and I'm feeling very uninteresting at this point in my life. I'm completely NOT enamored with China and I feel ordinary--ordinary in a way that makes it hard for me to think about what to write about. I feel like I've been nipping from the bottle.

I am seriously over China. I'm hiking here...

Instead of hiking here...

Seriously, 1 billion people is a LOT of people. And they are every. single. place. you go. I love a certain hustle and bustle...Christmas shopping. Disneyland. But I feel like you can just never get away from anything here. People who throw trash, who poop and pee and spit all over. ICK. There's just too many people.

Instead of looking at this...

Or this... I get to look at this...

I have moments where I wonder how I'll react when one of my kids announces they have some strange lung disease from breathing the putrid air.

I don't have a home. Or family nearby. My friend in Bangladesh had a tough parenting week and asked me "are we doing the right thing?" and I answered with a resounding "YES". But the life we've chosen means we are cognizant of what we've left behind. We know we made a choice, which means we may have chosen wrong. If we had stayed at home having our parenting fails on familiar turf, we wouldn't be aware of what that "other" really is. It's not something we imagine--it's a real life with real people. And we miss that.

I'm so lucky to be a teacher. I spend my day with fantastic kids at an outstanding school supported by incredible colleagues. I am blessed to be able to do something I love to do, instead of something I have to do. But right now I just don't want to be a working person.

And I worry. I worry far too much. It passes the time, but accomplishes nothing. It eats away at me, and not one single thing is better because I've worried about it. Here's a sampling of the playlist...

*I'm not satisfied with my church and if I'm just lazy because I won't drive into the city to see if there's a better one.

*How I'm going to pay for the college I know Cameron's going to choose. Actually, it won't matter what he chooses--in-state tuition doesn't exist for us anymore.

*Where we're going to live this summer. And next summer. And the summer after that.

*Why I lack discipline. I fall asleep while praying all the time. I canNOT exercise. I cram my Bible study in Monday and Tuesday nights instead of working a bit each night. I excel at watching American Idol and Glee, though. And Red Vines.

*What will happen with Noah--are we doing too much? Should we be letting him fail more? Are we doing it wrong with the best of intentions?

*What in the world are we gong to do after Beijing? Because I canNOT be staying here much longer.

And now it's time to stop. Because I'm ungrateful and whiny. And I can go on to list all the amazing things in my life right now because there are so very many and I suppose if I had any discipline or the right sort of outlook, I'd be listing those instead of these. But it's where I'm at this week or month. I'll do a list of all the great things about my life soon. Probably soon. Soonish.