Tuesday, November 05, 2013

We Kicked It!

I certainly know that I would not be able to survive if it were not for the fact that I am being upheld by the prayers of so many people.

I thought these 2 quotes were suitably juxtaposed together.  It is true that there were so many times that there didn't seem to be anything to cling to except the knowledge that so many people, known and unknown were praying for us.  At the same time, there times when I was so angry and scared at what was happening that keeping calm was a joke and I wanted to kick everyone's ass.

When someone has cancer, the whole family and everyone who loves them does, too.

On October 4th, Mark complained about some pain that seemed to be a possible bladder or kidney infection.  55 weeks later--almost 13 of those spent in a hospital bed--he kicked cancer to the curb.  Actually, I'm not ashamed to say that we all did.  I can't say I would rather have had cancer than watch someone go through it, but cancer infected every one of us.  Like its spread through the body, cancer spread through our lives, our church, our family, and our friends.  We are "those people," the family relative, that friend from college, that former colleague--the one who had cancer.  And even though it's gone, it will never be gone, at least for me.  It will always lurk just around the corner, unseen.  Maybe just waiting, maybe out of sight for good.  There will never be a doctor's appointment, a pain, a fever, that won't cause cancer to rear its head in my heart.

All who call on God in true faith, earnestly from the heart, will certainly be heard, and will receive what they have asked and desired.

There were so many time when I could not do anything but pray.  I was terrified of articulating what I really wanted, which is the cancer to be gone, because so many have prayed for that, to no avail.  I prayed mostly for peace and strength,  patience and courage.  I looked desperately for blessings and opportunities to be thankful.  I tried to push away the thought that maybe I really don't want God's will to be done, if that meant an outcome that I didn't want.  I didn't want God to give me more than I could handle, because some days it seemed that that was what was happening.  Some days there was nothing I could do but just cry and ask for more strength than I had.

In those 55 weeks I worked full-time and ran back and forth to hospitals.  I took care of my kids and my husband.  I packed a house and sent it to two separate countries.  I drove my kids from Seattle to Iowa.  I took my son to Missouri (twice) and let him go to start college.  I imposed on my family as we moved in on them in Iowa.  I left them all behind to start a new job in the most challenging place we've lived to date.  And yet although very little has happened in the way I thought it would, everything did happen.  The rough places were made plain.  I have no idea why so many hurdles were thrown up, or why the load was so heavy, but at every stage, those obstacles have been moved aside.  It's not luck, or coincidence...I do believe it is God working in and through my life and the lives of the people around me.

There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.

If you hope for happiness in the world, hope for it from God, and not from the world.

I can't wait to move forward.  We're in a new place, new jobs, new experiences....a new beginning.  I want to put worry behind me and soak up the sun and the joy of being with my family.  I want to relax, something I can't even remember doing.  I want to be more than I've been this past year--a better wife, mother, teacher, and woman.  I can finally look ahead at the possibilities again!

1 comment:

Tanya said...

Beautifully written. Excited to see what happens in your family's next chapter - together in Saudi.