Yanshui Caves--Weirdness Awaits.

Last week over Chinese New Year Mark decided we should venture out to a hiking adventure. We had water. Snacks. Several maps. And we were off. And off. And off. We drove. And drove. And drove. And although the directions seemed so obvious, well, we just couldn't seem to find it. So we did the logical thing--we stopped to ask directions. Over and over. From people who spend their entire lives pedaling from their village to the gas station and back and have no idea where they actually are. So we called the reception desk at school, asking them to translate. Sounds very strange but yes, that is part of their job. After a couple rounds of that, we figured out that the people at whatever stop we made didn't know where anything was--they were just describing the map we were showing them to the receptionist. ACK. I reall really really need to get busy and learn me some Chinese.

Meanwhile, Mark was getting more and more bent out of shape. Normally very easy going and positive, he was getting this weird look in his eye and I thought I could detect a twitch in his jaw. We ended up at one point a big temple and I (carefully) suggested that maybe we should get out and tour that. Oops, wrong! We were not wasting time at a temple, we were going hiking somewhere and that was that.

Ho-kay.

The next time he got out to try to figure out where we were, I turned to the kids and told them that under no condition were they to even make the tiniest squeak about being tired or not wanting to hike. I promised them that if we didn't actually go hiking, I would take them to a hotel because I didn't think we could face Mark's let down!

The blessing we didn't count on was Cameron's friend Zach who came along for the ride. Zach, who is from a military family and just "wouldn't feel comfortable calling you by your first name, Mrs. Hillman." Zach, who sang along to any song on the 'pod. Zach, who several times suggested we just pull the car over and hike from there because hiking was freakin' awesome. Because of his cheerful attitude and sense of humor, we survived the ordeal and actually ended up at the caves.

Like a lot of hikes, this one went up--about 2,000 steps by our count. Like a lot of hikes, it had a cable car. Unlike a lot of hikes, it didn't work. So off we went, accompanied by our own personal guide, the funniest little dog who had the shortest legs. We kept thinking he'd turn back, but no, he kept up and toured the caves and all. He ran back and forth if we lagged behind, and became very upset at one point when Cameron, Zach, and Noah ventured off on an alternate route in the cave. Too funny!

The walk up was cardio-fantastic. The steps wound through a tight crack in the mountain. It was like something from a movie set, right down to the tiny resting platform wedged between the two faces. We climbed and climbed and climbed until we reached the monastery, which was a disappointment. It looked like a row of cheap motel rooms and we didn't actually see any monks. Someone came out and gave us 2 flashlights (both of which quit as soon we stepped into the caves) and pointed the way.

You know what? Caves are great. Kids love them. This was especially interesting because we were all alone. Interesting as in creepy. Creepy because it was dark and there were big Buddha statues in the corners. Lisa, if you're reading this, you know what I mean when I saw I kept feeling that they'd come to life and either follow me or subject me to some kind of otherworldly punishment. Little did I know. The larger statues peered out from the corners, blending in with the rock formations. When photographed, though, they were very colorful. We see so many interesting things, I often wish I had a really good camera, one that could capture the feeling of some of these places better. And, of course, nothing has a sign, so you're left to your own imagination to construct some kind of meaning out of what you're seeing. Maybe not the most educational, but definitely entertaining.

Until...well, then it just got weird. And weirder. And then downright creepy.

I would never claim to be an expert, or even reasonably well-informed about Buddhism, but I do have a general understanding of basic beliefs. And I don't remember reading about this stuff at all.

After passing traditional Buddha statues, we came upon the strangest...diorama, for lack of a better word, I guess. It was a path lined by a large number of statues. Some were Buddhist. But then...there was one that looked very Greek or Roman. And over there was a panel that I swear was Joseph and Mary, possibly sitting on a park bench. And further down I am positive was Omar Shariff from Dr. Zhivago. Mixed in were a couple women apparently worshipping an elephant and several kneeling people whose heads had fallen off. OR SO I THOUGHT.

WARNING: This the weird-slash-disturbing part.

We turned the corner and started down a steep path, apparently into some lower circle of Hell, given the scenes we saw. I kid you not...these are not the most graphic ones. People being roasted and quartered and beheaded. Women gnawing on what distinctly appear to be human limbs while others contemplate heads laying around. Large insects crawling around. And above, just for kicks, nude figures climbing the walls in some desperate attempt to escape. Mark suggested it was some version of Hell, but I didn't think Buddhists believed in heaven or hell. It was very Dante-esque, if you ask me, made all the more disturbing by the fact that the figures were not roughly made. The whole thing gave me the heebie-jeebies. I took one look, turned around, and hit the road. Not because I was offended or anything--I have serious superstitions about stuff like that (too much Stephen King, I guess) and the last place I wanted to be was in a dark cave surrounded by evil figures. Once everyone else caught up, I walked backwards the rest of the way...just to make sure none of those things followed us.

Oh yeah, that's me, hoofing it back down. Still looking behind me.

The good news? Mark was happy because we went hiking. All of us were suitably impressed/entertained/disturbed by the caves. The little dog protected us throughout our adventure. And Mark was cheerful enough to actually return to TGIF for another great American fat-feast, where we were treated to one last horrifying sight.

Honestly.