Immigration, Integration, or ?

My friend Kristi picked up her family of 4 last Christmas (on a 6 week notice) and moved them from California to Beijing. Last week she found out that she will be packing up her 4 children and moving them back to California for Christmas. Her husband, a fantastic father and spouse, will continue to travel the world as a condition of his job. My friend Calandria has just left with her 4 children for Spain for a life overseas. According to a recent survey, over 4 million Americans live and work abroad.

It's interesting the reasons people are not living in their home countries. Some are moved around like chess pieces by their corporations. Others take up jobs they could have in their own countries and take advantage of the travel and diverse opportunities. Some serve their countries. Some are dissatisfied with the politics or the values of their home countries. Some have just fallen in love with another place. Some bounce from country to country; others resettle and their children (and grandchildren) have a new place that is "home" for them.

We all assimilate differently, too. In Tanzania, where so many people were doing development and missionary work, work that required them to be able to work closely with and understand the local people, home leaves are given every 2-3 years. My embassy friends are required to return to the United States for a year every 3-4 years (and most return back to the States for the summers). For those people that serve and represent the United States, keeping them closely connected to the US is important. Some have married people and live within both cultures. Others, like us, live and work more disconnected from traditional lifestyles. Some are angry and hostile about where they are. Others jump in and live life and experience as much as they can before they have to leave.

Sometimes I read snarky things about living in expat "bubbles". People turn up their noses at those who bring hundreds of pounds of stuff back when they visit home. Some sneer at the ability to get Pop Tarts or Hidden Valley Ranch dressing through the PX. This one is so picky about the food her, they say. Or, that one has lived here for 4 years and can't speak a lick of the language. Some comments come from people who have not lived abroad. Others have lived abroad and seem to feel that there is a certain model that should be followed.

Do you know what a PopTart can do for a person's mental health and emotional well-being when they've been dropped into a county knowing no one and understanding nothing, discovering that electricity is available only from midnight until 6 am, and realizing that if you want furniture in an empty house you will have to find a man by the side of the road and somehow communicate to him that you want a chair made? I do. But I digress.

My friends Kristi and Karen and Jessica and all those women who married into this life...they have developed an amazing set of skills. They are able to marshall the energy and strength and faith to move their families, often at the drop of a hat. They don't have careers for the most part (if they wanted to). They land whever it is, get settled, start the kids in school, address whatever separation or loss or transition issues, join the PTA, lead worship, teach Sunday School, learn the language, and navigate their way around a new town. And in a couple years, they're going to do it again. And again. I have definitely met some people that are resentful and angry at their situation--I've even met people who could leave but stay, and are so hateful and mean about the culture and country they're living in. But for the most part, the women I've met are not enduring or surviving...they're thriving. I think about moving to Tanzania and then Beijing--both times decisions that we planned for together, both times when the path laid before us was made straight and clear. It was hard. Hard in so many ways. To have to do it over and over at times that are not under my control...I just don't know. I'm in awe of these women. And so when I read things about how corporate or other government wives don't live "in" the culture or country, I think...maybe it's because they've so damn much else to do. Except that they do. Have a lot to do AND live in the culture. Unless of course that means living in a hut with no water or plumbing. But if it means learning about the art and music, about learning enough Chinese in 6 months to be able to speak to their ayi, about being able to find any market in town...then they're doing just fine.

Who's to say whether any of us is doing the business of living the "right" way or not? Don't we all follow the path the best way we know how with what we're given?