Is He Too Young? Am I Too Old? (Blog #12 11/12/08)

The 8th grade planning committee announced their first meeting for the 8th grade formal, to be held in May. I paused over the word “formal” when I read the note—for 14 year olds? That implies a tux or at least a suit. Girls would definitely jump at the chance to wear a formal dress. Then I wondered why a person would have a dress or tux made and get all dressed up unless they had a date.

Now, I went on my first date in 8th grade and got my first kiss (thank you, David Covil). My mom drove my friend Sarah (who comments on my blog) and the 2 guys and I to the movies. We had to sit in the very back of the Bronco on the floor to get as much separation from her as we could. It’s a 20 mile roundtrip so she stayed at the theatre, too, but we sat in the balcony. We saw “Grease.” Totally innocent.

In 9th grade, at the age of 14 I dated an 18 year old—my first real boyfriend. I realized (after the kind of devastating breakup that only a 14 year old can experience) that he was a bit of a skeeze; however, to his credit, I never felt pushed or pressured in any way. In reality, though, it was not a safe situation. My mother was strict with curfews, etc. but there were plenty of opportunities for trouble.

I bring this up because I think my experience was pretty typical for a number of my friends. I had a friend who did everything, but also had a good friend who was very “good.” I had opportunities to make bad choices and be in unsafe situations but by and large made good decisions. But the idea of my 14 year old son having a formal date really bothers me. He’s not interested in being “cool” or impressing people, he tends to be friends with more girls than boys, and I suspect he wouldn’t have much trouble lining up a date. I just don’t think he should. I think he’s too young. I think he should be friends with a lot of girls, hang out with people, and have fun. I don’t think he should be paired off in a formal situation. I don’t know exactly how old he should be, but I know it’s not now.

Especially after Mark told me that a lot of kids/families rent hotel rooms in the city for an overnight. IN 8TH GRADE. After I spewed my dinner across the table, I looked at Cameron and said, “Make sure your date knows that you’ll be going home early.” And then I had to say, “Even better, don’t start planning your evening just yet.” Cameron knows already that we are not crazy about this and that he may not be allowed to go. Not that we don’t trust him—but because we think that he should not be pushed into a formal dating situation yet. Because no matter how cool or casual he is, he’s a 14 year old boy. He’s watching and listening to everything around him.

This is when my values become very conservative and I know that if I belonged to a conservative church I’d be surrounded by more support. I know there’s a bit movement on “courting” rather than “dating” in conservative circles. I’m not sure that I feel the need personally to carry it that far, although I have known families who do and I admire them for that. I’m pretty sure that we’ll be seen as really strange if either of us brings this up. I think that there’s a lot of kids who would rather do something else. Why not a lock-in with a band, activities, a dance, and raffles and prizes all night long? Charge a significant fee and organize something that offers fun and togetherness for everyone, instead of a formal evening which is (IMHO) not suitable for this age group.

So what do you think? Am I being overly nutty and need to loosen up? Keep it to myself and just make the decision that’s best for us? Bring it up at the meeting and open it up for discussion (and possible ridicule)? My experience usually has been that when I take a deep breath and say something, someone else has come up later and said that they were glad I spoke up. I’m not sure that would happen in a smaller committee setting. WWYD?