Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Is He Too Young? Am I Too Old? (Blog #12 11/12/08)

The 8th grade planning committee announced their first meeting for the 8th grade formal, to be held in May. I paused over the word “formal” when I read the note—for 14 year olds? That implies a tux or at least a suit. Girls would definitely jump at the chance to wear a formal dress. Then I wondered why a person would have a dress or tux made and get all dressed up unless they had a date.

Now, I went on my first date in 8th grade and got my first kiss (thank you, David Covil). My mom drove my friend Sarah (who comments on my blog) and the 2 guys and I to the movies. We had to sit in the very back of the Bronco on the floor to get as much separation from her as we could. It’s a 20 mile roundtrip so she stayed at the theatre, too, but we sat in the balcony. We saw “Grease.” Totally innocent.

In 9th grade, at the age of 14 I dated an 18 year old—my first real boyfriend. I realized (after the kind of devastating breakup that only a 14 year old can experience) that he was a bit of a skeeze; however, to his credit, I never felt pushed or pressured in any way. In reality, though, it was not a safe situation. My mother was strict with curfews, etc. but there were plenty of opportunities for trouble.

I bring this up because I think my experience was pretty typical for a number of my friends. I had a friend who did everything, but also had a good friend who was very “good.” I had opportunities to make bad choices and be in unsafe situations but by and large made good decisions. But the idea of my 14 year old son having a formal date really bothers me. He’s not interested in being “cool” or impressing people, he tends to be friends with more girls than boys, and I suspect he wouldn’t have much trouble lining up a date. I just don’t think he should. I think he’s too young. I think he should be friends with a lot of girls, hang out with people, and have fun. I don’t think he should be paired off in a formal situation. I don’t know exactly how old he should be, but I know it’s not now.

Especially after Mark told me that a lot of kids/families rent hotel rooms in the city for an overnight. IN 8TH GRADE. After I spewed my dinner across the table, I looked at Cameron and said, “Make sure your date knows that you’ll be going home early.” And then I had to say, “Even better, don’t start planning your evening just yet.” Cameron knows already that we are not crazy about this and that he may not be allowed to go. Not that we don’t trust him—but because we think that he should not be pushed into a formal dating situation yet. Because no matter how cool or casual he is, he’s a 14 year old boy. He’s watching and listening to everything around him.

This is when my values become very conservative and I know that if I belonged to a conservative church I’d be surrounded by more support. I know there’s a bit movement on “courting” rather than “dating” in conservative circles. I’m not sure that I feel the need personally to carry it that far, although I have known families who do and I admire them for that. I’m pretty sure that we’ll be seen as really strange if either of us brings this up. I think that there’s a lot of kids who would rather do something else. Why not a lock-in with a band, activities, a dance, and raffles and prizes all night long? Charge a significant fee and organize something that offers fun and togetherness for everyone, instead of a formal evening which is (IMHO) not suitable for this age group.

So what do you think? Am I being overly nutty and need to loosen up? Keep it to myself and just make the decision that’s best for us? Bring it up at the meeting and open it up for discussion (and possible ridicule)? My experience usually has been that when I take a deep breath and say something, someone else has come up later and said that they were glad I spoke up. I’m not sure that would happen in a smaller committee setting. WWYD?

6 comments:

andalucy said...

I think you should speak up. This is 8th freaking grade, for crying out loud. Like you, I think a lot of the kids would MUCH rather do something else. Renting hotel rooms? What's up with THAT?

Since I'm probably the most conservative person who comments on your blog, feel free to take this with a grain of salt. ;-)

Sharon said...

I can remember my 8th grade graduation. Our class was the first to not have a "formal". We rented a boat on Flathead Lake and had a Luau/Hawaiian theme. As a girl I can remember being worried about what if I don't have a date. But I did, and ended up hanging with a group of friends.
Now as a parent, I would/will hopefully be the parent that speaks up about doing it simpler, groupier, kiddier, whatever-ier.

Just remeber do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. You have big shoulders

Mama Ava said...

This is from a friend who sent this via email...I'm including in the comments section.

I think you should speak up. They don’t need to go to a formal dance in 8th grade. My friend Kristi, who has a daughter in 9th grade had a horrible experience this fall with the Home Coming dance. Her daughter had a date and went with this boy but was ask to go 3 weeks before the dance of course said yes. However, by the time they got to the dance, she and probably he “liked” someone else. I truly believe that at this age 13 and 14 they should be “group dating”, get the person you like to go with the group and if by the time you get there and you are no longer interested, no big deal because your with a group not one person. Ok and besides the lack of need for this emotional trauma and drama, do we need to send this message of the money spending and dolling up yourselves for the opposite sex already, no they need to learn to deal with each other, be friends so when they are truly ready they have a good base to make reasonable decisions on.

Ok so maybe I have some strong opinions on this subject to but yea I think I would speak up and if nothing else not put Cameron in to the position of having to deal with this.

Mama Ava said...

Calandria, I welcome your conservative comments--and those of your relatives and friends! These are the areas where I am very conservative (despite my political views on many subjects)and I feel so old-fashioned...but at the same time I think I'm right to feel this way.

*sigh*

Mama Ava said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mama Ava said...

Another comment emailed by a very sensible friend with a great sense of fun...


Add people to this chat

I went to 8th grade' formal" with my best girl friend. Not very many people went in couples. I do remember feeling really anxious about it--it was fun but nothing too special. I didn't get into any "trouble" and it wasn't the start of a big dating fest...just a simple dance that I didn't even like that much. haha. I think Cam will be fine!

But it could be more fun to not go to a dance and do something else. Formal dances are "stiff" and everyone feels funny and akward. Or maybe that was just me. it is just a dance though--and in a new school where he is trying to make friends--whatever they decide to "host"--I think not letting him go might be more traumatizing than the actual event. Maybe.